Why do we choose emotionally inaccessible partners

Why do we choose emotionally inaccessible partners

Those who dream of intimacy are drawn to those whom she scares. Those who are constantly invading their personal space are furiously defending their independence. It does not sound very logical, but it is laid in ourselves. What makes us fall in love with emotionally inaccessible partners and is there a chance to change it? Says psychologist Kyle Benson.

Attachment is like a large alarming button in the brain. When life flows its turn, it is not necessary. We sculpt kuliki, collect bouquets of leaves, play catching up. Or we meet friends, make plans, go to work and rejoice at every day.

But something bad happens: we fall and break the knee. School bully pushes us – and we drop lunch on the floor. The boss threatens dismissal. This negative experience gives rise to anxiety and anxiety, and anxiety, in turn, activates our emergency button.

And she sends a signal: look for intimacy. We find the relationships that support us – or rather, what we ourselves think about ourselves. And this is the paradox: the attachment, without which in childhood we would hardly survive, begins to play with us a cruel joke. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in relations with those who evaluate us the same way.

Three strategies in relations

The attachment that we experienced for mother in childhood dictates to us one of the three strategies in relations.

Healthy strategy (safe affection)

According to psychologists, such a strategy is used by no more than 50%. Such people easily converge and communicate with others. Do not feel inconvenience when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid to lose freedom. They perceive others and themselves positively. If the partner does not suit something in a relationship, are always ready for dialogue.

Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)

These people are looking for in relations of maximum proximity. Their ideal is a complete merger. Often worried that the partner is not enough loves them, they are afraid to stay alone.

People of this type underestimate themselves and build others to the pedestal, do everything to live up to the expectations of people significant for them. Unusually affectionate, constantly seek external confirmation of their own value, because they themselves do not feel it.

Strategy “Leave me alone!”(Avoiding type)

They feel uncomfortable in close relationships, do not like to depend on others and prefer that no one also depends on them. Knowing from his own experience that proximity brings only suffering, strive for independence and self -sufficiency.

Such people perceive such people overpressively, and the rest are negative. They strive to use the uncertainty of excessively affectionate people in order to strengthen even more in their superiority


Who chooses whom and why

If we carefully study these three strategies-as we once read the condition of the task at school-it will become clear that all our further meetings and suffering are already “set” in them.

People with the two last types of attachment are drawn to each other, although it is clear that their relationship is doomed to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject a partner until he changes the positive attitude towards them to the one they expect from him.

But what about the first type of attachment? They are looking for people with the same healthy, safe type of attachment.

It would seem why it is impossible to meet the second or third type with the first? Such meetings occur, but mutual attraction, interest that can keep them together, such people do not experience.

What to do? First of all, to understand what is the type of your attachment. This is the key to finding and keeping a relationship, if you had not succeeded before. If you continue to meet “not with those”, the main reason is still in you.

So, why are we falling in love with emotionally inaccessible partners?

Emotionally inaccessible people dominate the “dating market”

Such people are extremely independent, successfully suppress their emotions, which means that they can easily cool down to their partner and complete the relationship – and here they are again among those who are looking for their pair.

People with a safe type of attachment do not go into a series of long meetings and searches. Sensing the very “chemistry”, they decide that the partner is suitable for them, and are tuned in a long relationship. That is why they are most difficult to find – they rarely go to the dating market, and when they come out, they do not remain on it for long and immediately “settle” in a new relationship.

In addition, emotionally inaccessible people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them have a desire to emotionally invest in a relationship.

If you fold all the elements of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally inaccessible partner is very high. At the same time, they do not establish relations with each other, because they need space and independence, do not meet people with healthy safe affection, because such people in the market do not linger for a long time – so who they attract? Alas, partners with an alarming type of attachment who crave extreme proximity.

We find them very attractive

We often do not realize that the partners we are obsessed with are those who are able to only strengthen our deep self -doubt. These are our ideas about love attract special partners to us.

At the early stage of the “independent”, emotionally inaccessible partner, he sends mixed signals: calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but at the same time makes it clear what is still in the search.

Emotionally affordable partners do not play inaccessibility. There are simply no mysterious omissions in their world

This tactic is quite winning: receiving an obscure contradictory message, a “needy” partner with an alarming type of attachment becomes obsessed with a relationship. Friends, hobbies, interests and career fading into the background.

In emotionally accessible partners, we lack “fire”

Let’s imagine that we were lucky and we met a man whose childhood was simple and calm, and the look at the world is also simple and open. Will we understand that we won in the lottery-or decide that something is missing in a relationship with such a person?

Emotionally affordable partners do not play inaccessibility or, on the contrary, do not throw everything at our feet to win us. In their world, there simply are no mysterious omissions and sappress, languid expectation.

We are calm next to such a person, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because “nothing happens,” because our emotions are not inflated, which means that we are bored. And because of this we pass by truly beautiful people.

Raises and downs, doubts and enthusiasm and constant expectation in relations with emotionally inaccessible people should not be taken for passion or love. It looks very similar, but, believe me, it’s not her. Don’t let them get to you. And, no matter how difficult it is, work to understand the mechanisms of attraction that our childhood is laid down in us. Believe me, this is possible. And emotionally healthy relationships can bring much more happiness.

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